LOVELY LADIES OF LEHUA

LOVELY LADIES OF LEHUA WRITING PROJECT

Waiting for the babies to arrive

You are flamboyant, a float on an ocean of dreams

You are the anchors in your classroom, in your home

You are the harbor of safety,

Your embrace, a ship to sail on and come home with.

Your song filters through grandmother’s plumeria tree

Is wrapped up in red ti and puakenikeni offerings.

Your voice sure as echoes from that other time

Singing soprano, lilting chicken skin.

Sing again, the joy reverberates, resounds.

You have come from child-spaces rich with wonder

Granite garments, oasis of opportunities

Your child-scapes murmur with creamy clouds

Burst with grandparents’ goodness.

Remember, your memories cherished.

Count the moments as marquise-cut diamonds

Words broken apart and put back together

Between the pages of “Hatchet”

Between the marungay and pickerel plants

Cut opened as squids, your ink marks the spot.

Lovely ladies of Lehua

You are the red birds with curved tongues

that weave baskets of patience

at Honaunau, at Kaloko Honokohau

At Kealakehe, you plant dewdrops of love.

                                                                                    --Tamara Wong-Morrison

I AM FROM A PLACE

I AM FROM A PLACE

Ancient mango trees and

Moss covered lava rock walls

A child cave, carved out of the koa trees.

Embrace my small kid time

Where brothers hunted mounta’ doves

Pink-breasted and teriyakied

Roasted on open fires

Pilgrims-in-training.

I made curtains for the clubhouse

Tidied the cooking area

Placed purple lilikoi flowers in a vase

And reveled in the perfection of home.

Home where I polished the calabashes

With kerosene so they would shine

Dust free for a week

Reminders of another time, come and gone.

The safety net secure with salted visions

Tide pools filled with possibilities

Changing clouds shaped with certainty

A foothold firm in the red dirt.

Change came slowly

Thirty-five-miles-per-hour

As we drove to Tutu-Lady’s in Kapa’a

Stopping at Halfway Bridge

To pick mountain apples and pee

Talk story with whoever stopped there

Small town, small island

We know your family.

So be good,

No shame the family

Work hard, take care, no be lazy

I going tell your ‘mada and your fada’!

Then the influx of the new

Different ways, disconnected desires

Empty church pews and colored tee-shirts

Replace the plain, pure white ones.

Beaches spotted with tourists

Mai tai’s and “Komo Mai” come enjoy!

Alo-o-o-ha!  Alo-o-o-ha!

The new sugar for sale.

The old chants replaced with

“Keep Kaaawa County, Save Nukoli’I,

Protect Kaho’olawe, Malama Maha’ulepu,

Save Waiahole-Waikane, Stop TH-3, People Not Profits”

Sand through our fingers

The land and the life slip away

Retreat to the valleys

To the dirt road, to the end.

Now Leilani wears her culture

Like the clanking gold bracelets on her arm

And Keoki tattoes his legs with

Swirls and symbols of a warrior.

Radicals!  Some call them.

Marines on the front line, I say.

Like Skippy Ioane from King’s Landing said,

“We need them all, Marines, Air Force, Army . . .”

The half-naked brother at Honaunau

Gives us stink eye for talking too loud

The weak chanter’s words

Lost in the videotape and cameras clicking

It is a war we are fighting

Trying to hold on to what fed our ancestors

Trying to remain Hawaiian in a poly-pressured world

It is a war we are loosing.

Too much land has been quiet-titled,

Too many songs have been uprooted,

The essence is diluted.

Another end is near.

Listen again to the windsong

Look again to the mountains

See beyond the horizon

They are talking to us.

MOKU KEAWE (poem)

MOKU KEAWE!

You are a man

Muscled and mangled

Spread between

The sparing sisters.

Their breasts

High peaks of ice and fire

Do not touch

Both will break you.

O Keawe, handsome chief

You know not to tempt their wrath

You know how to dance

Between cold flames!

Keawe nui, big chief

You are their treasured one

Strong enough to know

When to surrender.

Surrender to the sisters

They are beyond human

They are beyond time

They are beyond rules.

Moku o Keawe

This land erupts with possibility

This land swelters with song

Earthmoving rhythm,

Earthshaking knowing.

We rest easy on you.

Take what you must,

Spare us our breath.

Oli Komo (Welcome Chant)

Li’u li’u wale i ka uka hola ----lele

Mauka makai o ka papala e ------

E komo, e komo aku ho’i au maloko

I na ---- ka pu’u nui o waho nei la e ----

He anu e ------ He anu e ----

He ko’e koe wale no ---------- a ------- e!

Response:

E hea i ke kanaka

E komo maloko

E hanai ai a hewa i ka waha

Eia no ka uku la o ka leo

A he leo wale no --------a----------e!

FROM NARRATIVE TO FREE-VERSE POEM FORMAT LESSON

LESSON:

REWRITE OF CRITICAL NARRATIVE INTO A FREE-VERSE, NARRATIVE POEM FORMAT by Tamara Wong-Morrison (6/14/11)

Rationale:            Students need to find the rhythm in their writing.  Narratives by

new writers often lack rhythm because they are focused on the

story.  When a writer distills one’s narrative piece into a free-verse

format, the “internal” rhythm and the sound of one’s voice intensifies.

Also, when a writer knows how to create and use an X of Y metaphor, one’s writing becomes more creative because, “A picture paints a

thousand words, but the right metaphor paints a thousand pictures.”

(Daniel Pink)

.

Core Standards:             CONVENTIONS IN WRITING & SPEAKING:

                                    MAKE EFFECTIVE LANGUAGE CHOICES:

Gr. 3  Use words for effect.

Gr. 4: 

a.     Maintain consistency in style and tone.

b.     Choose words and phrases to convey ideas precisely.

Gr. 5: 

a.     Expand, combine, and reduce sentences for meaning,

reader/listener interest, and style.

                                    Gr. 6:

a.     Vary sentence patterns for meaning, reader/listener

interest, and style.

Gr. 7:

a.   Choose words and phrases that express ideas concisely,

eliminating wordiness and redundancy.

                                    Gr. 8:

a.     Use verbs in the active and passive voice and in the

conditional and subjunctive moods to achieve particular

effects.

                                    Gr. 9-12 standards to be included later.

Performance Indicators:              SWBAT (student will be able to!) convert narrative piece into a free-verse (narrative) poem format by

                                                highlighting, specifically chosen excerpts from

                                                narrative.

                                                SWBAT cut-and-paste these excerpts and re-space

                                                or align these into free-verse poem format.

                                                SWBAT identify free-verse poem format.

                                                SWBAT identify rewrite of narrative into new form

                                                as a “Found Poem” teaching strategy.

                                                SWBAT create and use an X of Y metaphor form to

                                                enhance, emphasize an excerpt or image.

                                                SWBAT revert rhythm and sounds from poem form

                                                into narrative forms of writing.

                                                SWBAT create and use Core Standard for grade level.

Assessments:                           Formative:  Peer and teacher comments on drafts.

                                                Summative:  Rubric (to be developed) on FINAL version.

Instructional Component & Development (50 minutes total):

15 minutes                                   

(Explanation/                                    Teacher explains schedule:  15 minutes instructional,

  Discussion)                                    25 minutes rewrite, and 10 minutes to pair-and-share.

T. asks students “What three things are in every poem?”

T. writes correct answers on board when students have identified them:  meaning/feeling (“Disguised words from the heart—Robert Frost), sound (sound of words strung in sequence:  “Words are sacred.  If you get the right ones in the right order, you can  nudge the world a little” – Tom Stoppard, playwrite), and rhythm!

T. elicits discussion on which of these three is the

most important.  Answer:  All three things are equally

important.  Some will argue that sound or rhythm are

more important because they will elicit meaning/feelings faster than meaning/feeling without

specific sound and/or rhythm..

T. asks for a student author to share his/her narrative piece by slowly reading aloud the piece.

Before student author reads, T. asks student-audience to listen carefully for the words-lines-excerpts that are significant-important-memorable.

T. tells student audience to raise their hands when

they hear the memorable excerpt.

T. will write-note excerpt on board that a lot of students

have identified by raising their hands.

T. tells students that these selected excerpts will be

realigned, re-spaced into a free-verse poem format

that does not have strict end-rhymes or meter.

T. says that after the student-audience has identified the

awesome excerpts, the author of narrative piece will add an X of Y metaphor to enhance the poem.

T. models creating an X of Y metaphor by writing on

board, “Sea of ______” and asks students to fill that

metaphorical sea with anything BUT things that are

actually found in the sea.

T. writes student suggestions on board, i.e. Sea of stars,

sea of surprises, sea of sorrow NOT sea of starfish or

sea of water because starfish and water are found in

the real sea, not the metaphorical sea.

T. tells students that metaphors create magic because

they create things that can only happen in our imaginations.  Yipee!

T. jumps up and down and acts crazy while students

wonder what’s going on.

25 minutes                                   

(Selection Activity/                        T. asks student-author to slowly read piece.

  Focused Engagement)            T. writes-notes excerpts on board that audience has

                                                identified as significant by raising their hands.

                                                Student-author continues slowly reading piece.

                                                T. continues writing significant excerpts until the

                                                entire narrative is completed.

                                                T. asks student-author to re-read the free-verse

                                                poem.

                                                T. asks audience to identify places in the poem where

                                                the author could insert an X of Y metaphor,

                                                i.e. “A metronome of disppointment” (Mahalo Jessica)

                                                      “An oasis of pain” (Mahalo Beth)

                                                T. suggests that author may use suggested metaphors.

T. tells students that they are the FINAL EDITORS of their writing and suggests that they READ ALOUD their piece THREE TIMES and listen for their “internal” rhythm.

                                               

10 minutes

(Closure)                                 T. asks students to pair-and-share their free-verse

                                                poems.

Extension Activities:              Students post a blog with their narrative piece and

                                                rewrite of it in free-verse poem form.  Peer reviewers

                                                create Venn Diagram comparing/contrasting both.

Students select a poem and convert it into narrative form, i.e. “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening” by Robert Frost is converted into narrative format.

FIGURES OF SPEECH & METAPHOR FORMS

Name: _______________________

 FIGURES OF SPEECH & METAPHORS      

Figures of Speech are creative expressions that INTENTIONALLY DEVIATE, on purpose are different  from their normal, literal

meanings so as to create a MORE VIVID, FANCIFUL EFFECT.

Some figures of speech are:  oxymoron, synesthesia, metaphor,

personification, simile, etc.

METAPHOR:  a metaphor is when one thing is spoken or written of as something else;  “I am the apapane.”    “He is the alien ant.” (x is y)

OXYMORON (x + y’s opposite or x’s opposite + y): 

two opposite words together:

frozen fire, quiet riot, smart fool, intelligent idiot, soft rock

1) _____________   _____________          4) __________   ___________

2) _____________   _____________         5) __________   ___________

3) _____________   _____________          6) __________   ___________

SYNESTHESIA (x’s sensation + y=onomatopoeia): 

two sense words together:

(fragrance/smell + sound, or color/sight + sound)

maile melody, ginger giggle, honey hum, lavender laughter,

vinegar voice, turquoise splash, crimson clatter, scarlet sigh,

purple patter, cobalt clash, copper tinkle, indigo whir

1) ____________  _____________         4) ___________  ___________

2) ____________  _____________         5) ___________  ___________

3) ____________  _____________          6) ___________  ___________

ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE A METAPHOR IS:

___x__     of   ___y___.

Combine two unrelated nouns with the word “of.”

waterfall of gardenias, bouquet of silence, mountain of words,

 wings of light, tears of darkness, ribbon of echoes, echo of emptiness.

1) ___________  of ____________        

2) ___________  of ____________        

3) ___________  of ____________        

ANOTHER METAPHOR FORM:  X’S Y

TO CREATE THIS METAPHOR, SIMPLY REMOVE THE “OF” FROM

THE ABOVE METAPHOR, AND ADD A POSSESSIVE APOSTROPHE.

The waterfall’s gardenias, the bouquet’s silence, the mountain’s words,

The wing’s light, the tear’s darkness, the ribbon’s echo, the echo’s emptiness.

SIMILE:  a simile is when one thing is compared or contrasted to something else using the words “as” or “like”:

“She is smart as sun knowing when to shine.” 

“He is handsome like the dolphins spinning in the sea.”

ORDINARY SIMILES are ones used a lot of the time; they are tired,

DO NOT USE THEM (fast as lightning, good as gold, sweet as sugar).

USE ONLY EXTRAORDINARY (unique, one-of-a-kind) SIMILE:

(You have to think harder because these simile are brand new and

  have never been heard before):

    Simile:                  Ordinary:                           Extraordinary:

1)  Soft as             _________________         ____________________.

2)  Fast as         _________________         ____________________.

3) Smart as          _________________         ____________________.

4)  Stupid as         _________________         ____________________.

5)  Bright as         _________________         ____________________.

INSIDE OUT BOOK REVIEW

BOOK REVIEW OF

“INSIDE OUT, STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING WRITING”

Chapter 1:  Effective Teacher of Writing

*  Writing is social, best is collaborative/communal setting.

*  Practice, practice, coach, coach, talk, share, talk.

*  Focus on FLUENCY FIRST, not the forms.

*  Emphasize process so do not score drafts, instead offer

strategies for improving content.

*  Have many short writing assignments and few large ones.

*  Growth takes time.

*  Turn beliefs into action:

*  TEACH WRITING AS A CRAFT.

*  Student-developed rubrics are good.

Chapter 11:  Writing Poetry

As a former poetry resource-teacher, I grade this chapter a

“C-“ because it does not dissect the essential elements of what makes a poem: metaphor, rhythm . . . .!  Also, the authors list simplistic poem forms (name acrostic,

cinquains, etc.) – poetry has been dumbed down again.  They misspelled Gary Snyder’s name!  Sacreligious! 

AGREE with their final thoughts:

1)   Read poetry aloud a lot,

2)   Use your favorite sources for poetry

DO NOT AGREE with:

3)   Use the simple List Poem (No! No!)

4)   Cluster a Poem (Please NO!)

Recommend they revise this chapter and focus on metaphors, similes, other figures of speech instead of fixed forms, rhythm, feeling, and sound.   Agree that “Most teachers are intimidated about writing poetry, although they teach it effectively as literature” (pg. 150).  Why?  I surmise that a lot of teachers

have not played enough with writing their own poems.  Once teachers know the craft and elements needed to compose their own poems, they can effectively teach it.

Poetry “prompts” suggested were:  name acrostics with  simple one word lines or expanded to “ministory”, prose converted into poem form, paraphrased

poems, found poems, Dada (nonsense) poems, class or collaborative poems, and

“Being the Thing” poems where students write as if they were something, “If I was

wind . . .” (which is the x is y metaphor form).

Chapter 13:  Crafting Essays

“Contemporary Essay” is the new label for “Expository Essay” because it is taking on new forms (memoir, monologue), beyond the traditional five paragraph format.  According to the authors, essay topics cannot be “canned” – made up by the teacher; they need to be generated by the students about things  they really care about.  The contemporary essay form should be anything but the five paragraph!  “Too often, we settle for idealess and voiceless papers with impeccable structure.”

We teachers have a hard enough time getting them to write in paragraphs; some structure is needed for any form of writing.  The authors of this book have a bias against six-traits writing because they think it is institutionalized and stifling.  I argue that our students need to start somewhere in their writing,

then experiment with other forms.  The standard five-paragraph essay is

a good starting form.

            Content over form should be foremost.  Brainstorming in a group, creating

scenarios, guided thinking using higher-order-thinking questioning, storyboarding,

and an ocean of discussion should engage students to think before they select a

form to write it in.  Once students have discovered a topic that ignites their curiosity, a variety of forms should be introduced.  This section was a smorgasbord of delicious suggestions: critiques/reviews, editorials, investigative reports, anthropological case studies, problem/solution pieces, etc.  They’ve also introduced comparison-contrast memoir, action research, writing about an author, and composing a multi-genre paper.  I definitely will tag this part of the book to offer

to my middle school students.

VOICE:  “Students who have found a voice in journals, in stories, or in poetry suddenly lose confidence when they undertake the dreaded essay” (pg. 196)  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?  The authors recommend, “. . . we should employ the same strategies we use when we teach students to write poems, short stories, or chapters for a book: (pg. 197).  Totally agree with this.

Chapter 14: Grading and Evaluating

            Love the opening saying, “Assessment should begin conversations about

performance, not end them.”  The authors suggest: 1) grading should be deemphasized, 2) drafts should not be graded, 3) developing grading with

students, 4) students grade and evaluate also, 5) GRADE THE PROCESS AS

WELL AS THE PRODUCT, 6) focus grading (commas one week, capitalization

another week), 7) give ideas, inventiveness, and content.  Especially love the

part about grading the process, not just the product. 

            “We honestly believe that the development of fluency through

extensive writing practice brings with it growing control of the language.”  In

other words, get our students to practice and write very frequently.  Also,

give students the option to rewrite/revise their piece for their final grade.

            Other ways to grade:  non-grading approach (not used in public schools),

a performance system where students are graded by just turning in a piece,

not necessarily on the quality of their work (nope, will not use this!), a holistic

grading strategy (authors like this approach) where student writing is scored

with an efficient guide that identifies high, middle, and low.  Other grading

approaches include: roundtable holistic where students are trained to score

each others’ work (works well with AP students), portfolios (performance,

showcase/final products, process portfolios that include drafts, analytic

scales: Diederich (50% content & organization, 30% style, and 20% mechanics)

and 6-Trait scale.

            Six-Traits scale:  According to the authors, “The disadvantages of this

particular scale, to us, outweigh its advantages” (pg. 230).  The scale itself has

become institutionalized, “as though it were a genre of writing, not an evaluation

scale.”  A second disadvantage is the 6-traits scale is used to evaluate all types

of writing.  The authors prefer that various forms have different rubrics.

Another disadvantage is the scale is used to evaluate the high-stakes tests,

according to the authors. 

            “BY FAR THE MOST EFFECTIVE RATING GUIDES FOR STUDENT

PAPERS ARE THE ONES TEACHERS THEMSELVES DEVISE” (pg. 231).  I

wholeheartedly agree.  The authors have reproducible scoring guides on

pages 232-233 for memoir and an opinion paper.  I agree with their criteria

in these papers, especially the section in the opinion paper that focuses

on language, “Weasel words. Use more forceful language.”  I will

probably replace “weasel” with “mongoose” just for fun.

            Peer evaluation could be controversial, but is very good for students

because the process teaches them how to improve their writing.  It also

allows for them to become responsible by being careful critics.  Some ways

to evaluate include:  cooperative grading where the teacher and two students

picked at random score the work,  round robins (three members), and

Peter Elbow’s “center of gravity” with five members.  In summary, grading

and evaluating should be done collaboratively, NOT BY THE SINGLE

TEACHER.

Chapter 16: Resources

            This section is very well organized by questions:

            Should I set up a writing workshop & how do I do it?

            How do I encourage kids to begin writing?

How do I help  my students thin and write about important topics?

How do I help my students sustain their writing?

How do I confer with individual writers?

How can I help my students write with clarity?

What is memoir?

Research with voice and passion?

I-Search paper?

Voice Lessons in persuasive writing.

How do I teach grammar?

How respond to and evaluate student writing?

Writing theory?

POEM FOR KALOKO HONOKOHAU

Swim fast little fish
the tide of change is rising
Airplanes and black iwa
circle overhead

The fish pond is filled
with choking invasives.
Careful, careful now
Walk surely and steady on

Remnants of remembering
Know steadfast and surely
that their echoes resound
in the surf

Their breath fills us
in our dreams.
All who came before
are here still.

Laugh little ones
The salty songs are renewed.

"Wahi Pana" A Celebrated Place Poem Lesson

Tamara Wong-Morrison (Lesson updated June 2011)

Lesson:            “Wahi Pana” or Celebrated Place Poem

                        (A special place in nature poem)

Topic:               “Vivid Voices – using Figurative Language and Poetic Devices”

Length:            55-75 minutes

Grade:              3-5, Middle school, and 9-12.

RATIONALE:            Students need to express themselves clearly and creatively.  Clear            

and creative expressions using figurative language and poetic devices help to make communication more effective.

These creative writing elements will make their other forms of writing more effective also.

HCPS/CORE STANDARDS:

                                    Core Standards available online at http://www.corestandards.org/the-standards

HCPS Standard:            Conventions and Skills

                                    Apply knowledge of the conventions of language and texts to

                                    construct meaning.

                                    Benchmark:            Apply knowledge of figurative language and

                                    symbols to analyze and interpret texts.

                                    HCPS Standard:            Rhetoric

                                    Use rhetorical devices to craft writing appropriate to audience and

                                    purpose.

                                    Benchmarks:   Uses language that is precise, vivid, and clear.

                                                             Has voice and style that reveals the unique writer

                                                             and speaks to the reader(s).

                                    Kamehameha Schools Rubric:

                                                             Uses vivid language.

                                                             Uses figurative language.

                                    Essential Question:  What happens when one spends time in one’s

                                    Wahi Pana, a celebrated place in nature?

PERFORMANCE INDICATORS:

·               SWBAT (student will be able to) create and use

·                x of y metaphor in this poem.

·               SWBAT create and use an “oxymoron” in this poem.

·               SWBAT develop and use “personification” in this poem.

·               SWBAT  discover and use “imagery” in this poem.

·               SWBAT use “repitition” or “alliteration” in this poem.

·               SWBAT know what a quatrain format is.

·               SWBAT use details in this poem.

·               SWBAT peer review other student poems in their “Elbow”

Groups.

ASSESSMENT:            Formative:             Drafts of their “Wahi Pana” celebrated place poem.

                                                                    Teacher will do on-going “thumbs up/down”

                                                                    assessment during lesson.

        Peer review:  three positives comments & one question

                                    Summative:            Final version of their “Wahi Pana” poem that 

                                                                   effectively uses all of the above.

INSTRUCTIONAL COMPONENT:

5 minutes                        Introduction:

                                    HOOK:  “Why is it important to remember your Wahi Pana,

                                                      celebrated place?”

                                    Teacher will write hook question on board.

                                    T. will ask students hook question; elicit responses.

                                    (Answer: Change happens!)

                                    T. will quickly review schedule written on board:

                                                                                    Wahi Pana lesson: 15 minutes

                                                                                    Writing of poem:   20 minutes

                                                                                     Peer review:         20-30 minutes

10 minutes                   Development:

                                    T. (teacher) passes out “Wahi Pana” poem format.

T. says that the topic of lesson today is a “Wahi Pana”, a celebrated place poem.

T. says that their goal is to write their first drafts of this poem using

X of Y metaphor, oxymoron, personification, “snapshots” or imagery, repetition, alliteration, and color detail.

                                    T. reviews each of the above.

                                    X of Y metaphor is created by connecting two different things

                                    with the word “of” (i.e. sea of surprises, clouds of flowers,

                                    waterfall of gardenias, lei of lullabyes, songs of stars)

                                    Oxymoron is created by putting two opposite words together:

                                    (i.e. frozen fire, silent scream, civil war, giant shrimp, smart idiot)

                                    Personification is created when one assigns human characteristics

                                    to inanimate things or places (i.e. Mauna Loa rolled over and

                                    danced hula, the coconut tree let me sleep in his shade).

                                    Imagery or snapshots are created by looking at Wahi Pana as

                                    though one is looking through a camera and taking snapshots;

                                    one describes the images they see.

                                    Repetition is created by repeating, repeating some words:

                                    Repeat, repeat to create a beat!

                                    Alliteration is created by using “couple three” words that start

                                    with the same letter (i.e. she sells seashells).

                                    Internal Rhyme is created by rhyming within lines, not at the

                                    end of the line as most poems rhyme.

                                    T. says the final version of this poem may be published in their

                                    booklet of poems or posted on the class web-site later in the year.

                                    T. says the format of this poem uses “quatrains” or 4-line stanzas.

                                    The total number of lines will be twelve.

                                    The teacher will stress the importance of reading/using DETAILS

                                    by citing the example of Mao Piailug and Nainoa Thompson who

                                    depended on reading details correctly to sail Hokule’a all over the

                                    Pacific without getting lost.

                                    T. will read “Maha’ulepu” poem (attached).

Students are to remain absolutely quiet and think about their own Wahi Pana.

T. will ask students to meditate about their place for a few minutes before coming back into the classroom to write their poem.           

20 minutes                   Focused Engagement:

T. will circulate around room giving direct instruction and assistance while students write their first drafts.

20-30 minutes              Closure:

                                    Students will move into their Elbow writing groups.

                                    T. will pass out Elbow Group sheets.

                                    Students will peer review their first-drafts in small group of three

to four.

                                    Students will staple the three elbow sheets to their first draft and

                                    turn in to teacher for comments.  (first drafts are not graded)

                                    Teacher will debrief lesson as closure.

Extension task(s):

                                    Students who finish early are to quietly assist another student who

                                    isn’t done or illustrate their own poem.

Notes:            Supplies & Equipment:  Copy paper, Copier, and Stapler.

Management:            Cooperating Teacher is to be present in room during lesson.

Attachments:               1 page of “Wahi Pana” poem rubric

                                    1 page of “Wahi Pana” poem format (quatrain)

                                    1 page of “Maha’ulepu” poem

                                    2 pages of Peter Elbow peer review sheets

 “WAHI PANA” poem

First draft

Second draft

FINAL VERSION

                                                                                    _____________________________

                                                                                    My name:                                                                                                           

Interesting Title: _______________________________________________

1)______________________________________________________________________

2)______________________________________________________________________

3)______________________________________________________________________

4)_____________________________________________________________________

5)______________________________________________________________________

6)______________________________________________________________________

7)______________________________________________________________________

8)_____________________________________________________________________

9) ____________________________________________________________________

10) ___________________________________________________________________

11) ___________________________________________________________________

12____________________________________________________________________

Rubric/Criteria for WAHI PANA Poem	5     Strong	4	3   Developing	2	1    Not Yet
CLARITY:	Language is precise, engaging and natural: 1) Uses X of Y metaphor 2) Uses imagery. 3) Uses oxymoron, 4)  Uses        personification, 5)  Uses color detail.		Language is functional & mechanical: May use an oxymoron, metaphor, personification, or color detail.		Language is limited: No oxymoron, metaphor, imagery personification or color detail.
CADENCE OR RHYTHM:	Language is lyrical, poetic and musical: 1)  Uses repetition, 2)  Uses alliteration, 3)  Uses repetition again. 4)  Uses internal rhyme 5)  Uses internal       rhyme again.		Language is somewhat lyrical: May use repetition, alliteration, internal rhyme		Language lacks cadence or rhythm: No repetition, alliteration, internal rhyme
DESIGN AND ORGANIZATION:	The design or organization is cohesive;  It all fits together: 1)  Uses interesting       title, 2)  Uses 12 lines, 3)  Uses quatrain       format (4-lines), 4)  Uses three       stanzas, 5)  Is typed.		The design is somewhat apparent: May use interesting title, 12 lines, quatrain format, three stanzas or may be typed.		The design is loose or lacking: No interesting title, less than 12 lines, stanzas are not used, quatrains aren’t used, not typed.
CONVENTIONS:	Writing uses correct spelling, grammar, etc. No errors.		Errors are not overwhelming; They do not block the meaning.		Errors distract the meaning of the poem.

TOTAL POINTS: ________________________    Graded/Scored by: ______________

20 points = A                  STUDENTS ARE TO REVISE FOR MINIMUM GRADE OF “B”

19 points = A-

18 points = B+

17 points = B

MAHA’ULEPU,  FOR YOU

          by Tamara Wong-Morrison

Your sand dunes reach up

Trying to touch Ha’upu mountain   (personification)

Far away society seems    (alliteration: society seems)

For the quiet crashing waves    (oxymoron)

Wash away all memory.

Here or there, a beer bottle to remind you

But, still beautiful

Wind, rain, sea, and plantation have carved you  (repetition of word “you”)

Naked and helpless

Desirable to developer.   (alliteration)

Washed on your pebbled shore

A doomed vessel turned on its side

Nails rust in the salt air

An example of things to come.

The pine trees cling to your sides

And tangle their hair of branches with sand.  (x of y metaphor)

Your cliffs overhang the reef

Where blue uhu look ono  (internal rhyme: blue uhu and color detail)

Swimming about.

Your caves, mysteriously known to few.

The Kipu kai ranch over the range

And an old Filipino man with his bamboo pole,

Watch out compadre, the changing times

Like the tides, can drown you in its undertow. (internal rhyme: times/tides)

Poem revised by author on June 14, 2011 for instructional purposes.

___________________________________________________________

Title of poem: _____________________________________

Author of poem: _____________________________

THREE SPECIFIC EXPRESSIONS I LIKED IN POEM:

(must write exact word combinations)

1)

2)

3)

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT POEM

(Why, what, when, where, who?) 

MUST ASK AT LEAST ONE QUESTION:

Sincere comments with aloha by: ___________________________

________________________________________________________________________

PETER ELBOW PEER REVIEW OF FIRST DRAFTS:

What:  Peer review of student work process developed by Peter Elbow.

When:  After first draft of writing.

Why:  To combine collaborative talk, thinking, and meaning-making by sharing positive comments and posing questions.

How:  Students in small groups of 3-4 review, respond, and question their first drafts. 

Students sit in same seats designated as 1^st reader, 2^nd reader, and so on.  First reader is always first to read.

The first author reads piece aloud twice.

On first reading, others write three positive comments on piece by

writing the exact words they remember.  Listen very well.

On second reading, others write one implicit or explicit question.

Author does NOT answer questions.  Author simply says, “Thank you” and collects their comment.

Second reader reads, and so on.

Elbow group time is about 15 minutes per person (one hour for 4). 

         Reference: Elbow, Peter 1998.  WRITING WITHOUT TEACHERS;

          Oxford University Press.